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Forum » - Off-Topic - » Random Thread » Pa-pa-pa-paaa PART 10! (BOO'YAH!)
Pa-pa-pa-paaa PART 10!
GizmoGibbonDate: Saturday, 2009-10-24, 1:59 AM | Message # 1
Mogwai
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A guard takes up his cigarette. A red hand punches his gun out of his and and then breaks his arm. "Smoking is bad for your health." he snarls. "Ffffffuuuuuuu yooouu!!!" the guard yells. "And you'd have died in the end anyways." was the last thing the guard heard before a large knife was ran through his throat."Nice one, Peppzkjeppz." Spoon says as he runs past the corpse. "Pink, your time to shine." Pepper says as Pink gloats as he takes out 4 plungers."Are those the one from the shitty motel we stayed in S-Korea?" Spoon asks. "Yeah, I AM GREEN!" he yells as he licks the plungers to make them sticky. "Salmonella will kill you," Spoon says as he rolls his eyes. Pink stabs the plungers into the window and then he kicks it down."What was the point in the plunger!?" Pink yells. "No u," Pink yells as he runs down and does an action-roll while he drags out two colts and fires at 3 guards. One of them tries to run as Pink reloads his Colts, but a large knife flies into his back as he collapses. Pepper then runs to his corpse and drags the knife out. "I hope HenTo, Chron and that gay priest are all right." he sighs. "COME ON GUYS!"
-------------------------------------------------------

Chronical stands up. "What the fuck happened?" he asks himself. "The plan wasn't complete... We flew into a wall and well... Got knocked out." HenTo responds. "Who are these guys?" Az asks while he points at three bearded men. "Who are you?" they ask. "I... Am the former leader of BOSS... Abokasee-Red, you can call me Abok." one of the men respond. "I am LawlingBear, senior shaman of Clan BOSS." the other man responds and the third man responds, "Bokje, mercenary.". "Huh, nice, we are with Clan BOSS," HenTo responds. "Wha--What?" Abok asks. "You know, Pepper, the gang." Chron says. "We have to escape... Now!" he yells as he runs into the wall and breaks it down. "GILGAMESH!" he yells.

Next partz shalls comes soon, yes.


After a year-long research with Berkeley and Oxford graduates and professors, I've discovered Batman has no PEW PEW, that's why I roll with Iron Man, dewds.

Message edited by GizmoGibbon - Saturday, 2009-10-24, 6:06 AM
 
HiveraDate: Saturday, 2009-10-24, 9:46 AM | Message # 2
Peasant
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You suck at suspense, correct spacing, humour and word use. This barely passes for GCSE creative writing.

For the love of any deity, please use spacing. Paragraphs are nice and stop me glazing over the incoherent boring rambling.

This is a cheesegrater to my eyes.

If you disagree, you either wrote it or are mentioned.

 
FussilerDate: Saturday, 2009-10-24, 10:14 AM | Message # 3
Knight
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Gilgamesh was a King of Uruk, Mesopotamia, believed to be a half-god. Funny you used that.
 
GizmoGibbonDate: Saturday, 2009-10-24, 2:14 PM | Message # 4
Mogwai
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Quote (Hivera)
You suck at suspense, correct spacing, humour and word use. This barely passes for GCSE creative writing.
For the love of any deity, please use spacing. Paragraphs are nice and stop me glazing over the incoherent boring rambling.

This is a cheesegrater to my eyes.

If you disagree, you either wrote it or are mentioned.

Really, this is not a try at suspense, I'm just trying to write this story. And you are a no life troll, so your points are always moot.


After a year-long research with Berkeley and Oxford graduates and professors, I've discovered Batman has no PEW PEW, that's why I roll with Iron Man, dewds.
 
HiveraDate: Saturday, 2009-10-24, 6:36 PM | Message # 5
Peasant
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I agree with "just trying to write this story" - it's like you're barely managing it. You're struggling to get any sense into your words and it's just a massive contest to see how many dicks you can fit into your mouth.

Also, instead of talking about me, let's focus on the subject at hand. Do you even know any writing styles? Sentence length to mark impact. Rule of 3. Basic humour. ANYTHING?

 
Forum » - Off-Topic - » Random Thread » Pa-pa-pa-paaa PART 10! (BOO'YAH!)
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